Feelin My 'me'

9.29.09

Feelin my ‘me’
Stretch out inside
This skin I’m in
Now I can’t hide
What’s in there…?
Some stop and stare
They wonder what they see
Could it really
Truly
Be….?
…she is letting
‘she’
Just be.
Welcoming the weirdo
Embracing
Who I Am
Allowing sat down features
The chance to rise – to stand
Feelin’ my me
Stretch open wide
Take up all the room
Rest calm – abide
Be there. Be cool…
Be who I am.
Not one this day and one day that
No teeter or totter
Accepting facts
It is what it is
I am who I am
That’s what’s up
And that’s God’s plan.
Right here, right now
My Lord, and how
Alert
Awake
A part…
of the moment
of the time

Of life.
Feelin’ my me
Stretch out inside
Watching unsure
Step right aside

And loving it…


Mk.

Walk Through the Book of Proverbs... Day 2

Walk Through Proverbs… Day 2

August 30, 2009

I’m feeling a little down today, and I really need you, Lord. I don’t want to allow my hurt feelings and confusions, or my hopes and desires, to turn themselves on me… become judgment, wrath, and utter despair. I want to be positive, and I want to know and believe that all is well – or will soon be. I do not wish to embrace or keep company with pessimism, doubt, or hopelessness. I do not see any “life” in such things.

Lord, I wish to turn away from any behavior, thought pattern, or path which will lead to destruction (mild or severe). I want just the opposite. I want to create good and positive results with my behaviors (actions), thoughts, and the direction in which I go. I know I am not, right now, able to stand on my own and be successful in this endeavor. I am so grateful that I do not have to.

When I may feel I travel by my lonesome and have things and feelings to express, and no one present in order for me to share my thoughts… I can recall your scripture, “…behold, I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the [very] close and consummation of the age” (Matthew 28:20). You are always with me. I don’t walk alone.
When I don’t know what to think or how to act, your word guides me toward a wise path. Lord, please direct me in your way. I need you.

As I read today in Proverbs, I found two passages to which I took particular notice. I began by re-reading yesterday’s chapter, and was caught by these words:

Proverbs 1:20-23 (Amplified Bible) – from BibleGateway.com

20[a]Wisdom cries aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the markets;
21She cries at the head of the noisy intersections [in the chief gathering places]; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks:
22How long, O simple ones [open to evil], will you love being simple? And the scoffers delight in scoffing and [self-confident] fools hate knowledge?
23If you will turn (repent) and give heed to my reproof, behold, I [Wisdom] will pour out my spirit upon you, I will make my words known to you.

Footnotes:
a. Proverbs 1:20 Wisdom here is personified. Read "the Wisdom of God" instead of "Wisdom" and see the wonderful power of this book.

________________________________________________________________
How powerful! Especially when you consider the footnote.

The other passage that caught my eye was in chapter 2. Truly, it was the entire second chapter which spoke to me. I will highlight the first 12 verses:

Proverbs 2:1-12 (Amplified Bible) - from BibleGateway.com

Proverbs 2

1MY SON, if you will receive my words and treasure up my commandments within you,
2Making your ear attentive to skillful and godly [a]Wisdom and inclining and directing your heart and mind to understanding [applying all your powers to the quest for it];
3Yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,
4If you seek [Wisdom] as for silver and search for skillful and godly Wisdom as for hidden treasures,
5Then you will understand the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of [our omniscient] God.
6For the Lord gives skillful and godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
7He hides away sound and godly Wisdom and stores it for the righteous (those who are upright and in right standing with Him); He is a shield to those who walk uprightly and in integrity,
8That He may guard the paths of justice; yes, He preserves the way of His saints.
9Then you will understand righteousness, justice, and fair dealing [in every area and relation]; yes, you will understand every good path.
10For skillful and godly Wisdom shall enter into your heart, and knowledge shall be pleasant to you.
11Discretion shall watch over you, understanding shall keep you,
12To deliver you from the way of evil and the evil men, from men who speak perverse things and are liars,

Footnotes:
a. Proverbs 2:2 See footnote on Prov. 1:20.

So, recalling that we battle not against flesh and blood, I can apply this info, seeing that I need to be defending myself and arming myself with the Wisdom of God – not for use against anything natural, any person, or myself. It’s the spiritual… the forces which present themselves, throwing down the gauntlet, challenging me to stand and be counted. I’m not playing games, and it’s not about you, me, him, her, or them. This is about life. And as my daughter’s favorite character on “Wonder Pets” would say, “This is serious!”

Really though, I do want to thank you, Lord, for your continued guidance and revelations. Everything will be cool. It is, it always was, and always will be. Because You are the same… yesterday, today, and forever. Thank you for that. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Walk Through the Book of Proverbs - Day 1

My Walk through the book of Proverbs…

Day 1: August 29, 2009

“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.”

As I begin this fast and this walk through the book of Proverbs… I am thinking that perhaps I should keep some sort of record of my discoveries and any insight/revelation that God shows me along the way.

First off, I’ll say that this fast has snuck up on me in so many ways. I spoke it into existence while thinking about my propulsion toward choosing the easiest and often least healthy of meals, and the fact that this usually occurs out of convenience and while out of the house. I am tired of neglecting my own health and better judgment in the areas of diet and physical fitness. I am also tired of starting with a bang and shortly thereafter fizzling out, coupling with this fizzle a rather likely set of excuses – some spoken, some just felt inwardly. I was thinking about how much “knowing better” doesn’t always equal “doing better”….

There are many areas in my life where I “know better” but choose not to “do better.” I use the word ‘choose’ specifically, because it’s a fact I need to recognize, whether I want to admit it or not… Behaviors are a choice, for the most part.

A few years back, I chose to change my self for the better. This included many things, one of which was better diet and fitness. I made the plan, executed it… and lived it well. It lasted the better part of a year and provided great results… and – it was EASY. No, really, it was. But then, I lost sight of something…and never took a serious look back to find it.

So, okay… here I am, saying with as much truth and honesty as I can… I am ready. I need to be for real. But every time I try to “be serious,” I miss a step… And that step is Jesus… Wisdom. I can hardly believe how quickly everything is revealing itself to me. Yesterday, I said, “Starting next week, I will no longer be eating out of the house, unless I prepared the meal or snack at home.” It came almost from nowhere. But I meant it. I added, “It’ll be a fast.” And I didn’t know what the fast would be about. But I meant that, also.

Then, when I got home, I wasn’t sure when exactly to start the fast, but since it’s almost the end of the month, I figured I might as well start it on the first of the upcoming month, September. I had already decided that the fast would be one month long… So, what happened next was really funny/odd to me. I had an unpleasant conversation with someone very close to me, and I was quite displeased with the fact that it happened and the outcome thereof.

A couple of days earlier, I had picked up my “Every Day Life” Bible (with notes and commentaries from Joyce Meyer), and read just a little bit while waiting for my daughter to come in her room to be put to sleep. I did this because I was actually irritated that it was taking so long, and I wasn’t feeling like being irritated. I remembered the calming effect that the Bible used to always give me in times of stress or confusion. So, I picked it up, and I read, and it worked (even though I only read for 5 minutes or less).

Well, after this disturbing situation with my friend, I turned, again, to the bible. I didn’t know exactly what to read at first, and I wish I could remember exactly how I wound up in the book of Proverbs, but I know it involved a topic search. Once in Proverbs, I just felt like I should have read the words earlier… like four years ago. I started in the 15th chapter and its first verse, which read:

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” –Prov. 15:1

I read it like ten times, and I really think these words are the start of something new in my life. It’s so simple, but so true. My bible is amplified, which I think is the reason why many scripture will direct you to related scriptures. Proverbs 15:1 sent me to Proverbs 25:15, which read:

“By long forbearance and calmness of spirit a judge or ruler is persuaded, and soft speech breaks down the most bonelike resistance.” – Prov. 25:15

Why were these two scriptures so meaningful to me? Because I am trying to work on my attitude and also on the words of my mouth. Did I know that my fast would relate to any of that? Not at all. However, as soon as I realized that my fast was going to cover way more ground than I intended, I wanted to see where else I could/should go with this fast… this season.

I realize, now, that I am right where I am supposed to be… seeking guidance, wisdom, revelation, and open to receive it. I release my own thoughts and ‘ideas’ on where to go and what to do about difficulties in life. What is amazing to me, right now, is that seeking God is way easier than I thought. I thought I’d gotten so far from where I was in God that I wouldn’t know where to begin. And I was halfway right. I don’t know where to begin. But He does! All I need to be is fully open and flexible to hear his direction. One has to be ‘ready.’

So anyway, here’s the rest of the deal (for now).

As I’m reading the book of Proverbs today, my bible (driven by the direction of God), let me know several awesome things… just for me:

• The Book of Proverbs is a perfect place to start
• Proverbs is all about wisdom, guidance (exactly what I need)
• Proverbs has all the stuff I was hoping to work toward: Thinking properly, controlling my mouth, managing finances, future plans, correct treatment of others, dealing with offenses, receiving correction, not being foolish and also handling those who are, being a good friend, behaving as a good wife (or husband), and having good parent/child relationships.
• note- The above items are outlined at the beginning of the book of Proverbs in my bible.
  These are exactly the areas in which I need help. It might not seem to fit, looking from the outside in, but this is definitely right up my alley.
• My Bible, which I bought after a careful consideration of many other versions/editions, has sat on the bookshelf for over a year now. I am somewhat sad to say this (more so than I ever thought I would be), because now that I have actually given the book some ‘play-time’ I am realizing what a good choice it was. It is The Everyday Life Bible: Amplified Version, featuring notes and commentary by Joyce Meyer. And – it is undeniably awesome.
• The book of Proverbs has 31 chapters, which makes it perfect to read over a month’s time, one chapter each day. That info served as another confirmation that I was in the right place.
• I’m not as far away as I felt I was… which means many things to me.
  
  _________________________________________________________

Today’s verse to remember:

“But whoso hearkens to me [Wisdom], shall dwell securely and in confident trust, and shall be quiet, without fear or dread of evil.” - Proverbs 1:33

How comforting!!

__________________________________________________

An Important revelation: Wisdom = Christ. (see 1 Cor. 1:24)
__________________________________________________

Today’s Prayer, from my Bible, word for word… but it’s perfect!

“God, I pray that You will help me to be wise. Help me to hear and increase in learning, to acquire skill, and to attain sound counsel so that I may steer my course rightly.”
–adapted by Joyce Meyer from Proverbs 1:5

What a great place to start!

What Does It Mean...?

What does it mean to “speak life”…. ?

Well, I’m sure it could mean many different things to different people. My version of life is not the same as anyone else’s…. and no one else’s is the same as any other person’s either. So, to speak life must have various meanings as well.

To me, speaking life is partly grounded in speaking and thinking positively.

I heard a pastor talk about the creative power of our words and thoughts, and I bought this tiny little booklet all about the topic. I must have read it at least 20 times… and I remember on a couple of occasions just after I had been reading the book, I had opportunities to put these major precepts into action. I was involved in a conversation with people who I was very close to, and they were expressing strong concern about another person who we all knew. I’m sure the root of the conversation was likely intended toward care, but it began to sound to me more like condemnation and judgment. Now, it was like something in me that I had been previously unaware of rose up and whispered (quite loudly) in my ear. I don’t pretend to know exactly the words in that whisper, but I know something close to what I said as a result of it. I spoke confidently and calmly, in a tone of peace, and basically I just stood up for the subject of conversation. I probably said something to the effect of “It seems we should be speaking more positively about this and hoping that things will get better.”

I don’t know what I said, but I was glad I said it. It felt good. I resolved then to make my words more like prayers and not speak in judgment or condemnation of others, or situations, but rather to speak in love and hope. I try to do this still. I have my moments, and don’t pretend to be perfect, but it’s just a small thing. I try to speak life into other people, just like I try to do the same for me and for my life.

The other part of speaking life comes from inside a person. This is where it becomes personal.

Anyone can speak life and have the talk sound completely different from another person’s talk. To me, speaking life means being true. Being real. Loving myself, and still holding myself accountable for who and where I am. It mostly just means being myself, knowing myself, and continuing to learn and accept myself. It is believing in who I am and what I am, and doing all that I possibly can in order to be the best I can be in all positions… for myself, for my family, for my occupation, and for the fulfillment of God’s purpose for my life….

Any words (written, thought, or spoken), which work towards the accomplishment of any or all of the above are what constitute speaking life – to me.


What does it mean to you?

Positively... 8.18.09

I have been thinking a lot lately about this whole idea of thinking, speaking, being.... I'm looking forward to what I hope will be an addition to this new old me.... Thinking and speaking and believing positively. No negativity, or at least a limit on my doubtful or non-positive thinking moments... I have always been a rather positive and optimistic person. I can't say that I have become a pessimist, or that I could ever truly be one. I somewhere along the path of life acquired this certain love for life and a belief in good. Good in people, good in life... I am still that person at best. Yet, what I’ve noticed, in retrospect (or whatever the word is I'm searching for) is that I have sort of betrayed that blissful, rosy lensed view on things I once held so near and dear.

I used to get offended and irritated if someone told me I was too much of a dreamer, and saw too many silver linings. In fact, I dead ended relationships in early stages based on such accusations…. Somewhere along my travels, I sadly admit I let a couple things change me, twist and turn me into this whatever it is that I am…. But at least I’m on my way back. It is hard to “keep your wits about you while all others are losing theirs…” (Kipling)…. And still, I must learn to keep mine. Because that’s just it, they are mine. I have to be me… Walk in the shoes which fit me and live the life I was made and placed for. I have to be me. Whoever it is, whoever it will be… But life, it is but one, there is no reset, no undo. You get a chance at it and you can fix stuff, but you can’t just click and snap back to the start… or where you left off… ‘cause who knows... Who knows the start? And who knows the place where you inserted a bunch of strange characters in all the wrong places? Who knows?

I do know I’m still in here… I can go back and get me….but why not live it at its best and fullest degree going in. Be strong and of good courage. Be you. Lord knows I plan to be me. It might take a few moments, a couple contemplations, and several self-affirmed reminders, but I will be me.

Heart Outside

Heart Outside8.6.09

Not poeming it now. Just writing. Cause I’m thinking … about my heart. Not this one, but that one. Yeah, they’re the same in reality, but in reality, what’s real? What’s real is how the love and life inside you… your source, your spirit, your fullness… your love, your life… can spring up wings, fly across time and space, and become baby, infant, toddler… and look right back at you. Change from a total surprise to the joy in your eyes… Can live outside of you. Your heart outside. I’m thinking about her growing, changing, learning, being, and how she is so much “her” but still me… Is it easier to wear your heart on your sleeve than to watch as it learns to walk, then run and play and spin circles in front of you? This is my heart. Not this one, but that one. The same, transformed, reformed… “My heart outside my body.”

m. knight


writer’s note:
I got the words “heart outside your body” from my mom, when Journee was really a little girl, just after she learned to walk. Mom spoke of how it feels to have children, and said it’s like having your heart walk around outside of you. I never would have understood that statement if it weren’t for Baby J, but it’s just so true. True then, true now… and like mom said, it’s always true… so I’m sure I’ll feel the same in twenty years…

Get it Back

Get it back
what they took
even if
given freely
It’s still yours
You know
Even if
You didn’t know
Fully
what and whose
it was
Your air
Your you…
It’s yours….

m. knight
8.4.09

Recalling Poetry

Recalling poetry-
It is simpler and more than words
Feels new, but like an old friend…. A new old friend
A forgotten or lost connection.
Still there.

m. knight
8.3.09

Excuses...

8.2.09

No. I am not
It might seem that I am
And these may sound like excuses
I’m somewhat aside from the telling
Stepping away –
A bit held from the say
The words I’d use to tell it

They might look in – or whatnot
Wonder and believe
What is not

They think they know
What they could not know
And I have not forgot

Alas—
Perhaps
It’s not me
Who knows – it could be – maybe
But what I believe
Is I did not leave
I am still
Right where I was
Yes…
Quite yes.
In more ways than I’m not

Perhaps the issue is not where either has gone
But that the whole premise was origined wrong
You know – had a wrong start
Misconceived
Generated
False beliefs
And so, you never knew
I’m still me – perhaps you’re still you
These excuses will have to do.

(written in answer to the question of change)

M. Knight

Gratitude 8.3.09

I am grateful for my garden, and my family to share it with. I love the smallness of us, and the huge-ness, too. I'm just grateful for outdoors, and water, and plants and life. I am grateful for learning each day to release and allow life to exist, to be, to stretch and grow. I am grateful for my daughter's voice, her smile, her laugh, her eyes - full of wonder. I am grateful for my husband's compassion, his inquisitive nature, his natural tendency to nurture, his sense of humor, his at-home-with-me self that no one else knows, his undying support - so strong it's difficult to accept at times. I am grateful... for my garden, my family, for life, for us. Just what we are, where we are.

A Few Things 7.29.09

I’m Glad of My Choice To:

• Keep my mouth shut more often
• Let what is be what is
• Keep family, family. What goes on here and what works for us is just what it is – what works for us.
  

It’s pretty cool when a person (like me, for example) can truly carve out enough of a moment that can within its bounds actually allow a certain release…. A real moment. Sometimes we (or I suppose I should say I) just need enough of a moment that will let us really take it all in, change focus, clear the mind, or reorganize or prioritize.

(had to cut out the rest of this one.... darned censorship - no, just TMI)

Who Am I? Day 1

Who Am I? Day 1

June 7, 2009

You know… when I looked at this question this morning, I didn’t know what to think, how to answer the question, or where in the heck a journal all about asking the question “Who Am I?” could take me. What’s the point? But, now, as I truly think about it, there is much to be gained from thinking in this fashion… and the first thing I’ve come to realize is this: I have been (as of late) defining my me-ness based on “what” I am doing and the positions I fill in life. No longer do I actually look at myself as who I am. What’s sad is that I flat out do not recognize myself anymore. I know who I used to be, and who I used to want to be…. But who I am…. she's there... but where exactly, I don’t know. And that sucks. That’s wack, that’s butt, that’s all the things that are associated with not being good.

Outside of being a teacher, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, etc….. I can't put into words who I am. What defines me? What matters to me? Who am I? Well, I am an explorer and a learner, a person who likes to just live, watch stuff, learn stuff…. Is that who I am?

Adolescent 6-4-09

Do you ever feel like some random adolescent has taken over your subconscious self? Could be adolescent you, or adolescence in general... but it's like your thoughts go someplace else......

Not All Poems

The words that come aren’t all poems. Don’t always rhyme or keep a time. Don’t fit the definition. Sometimes it’s just thoughts that we have to get down. As I’m driving in to work, or going about my day – returning from some thing I’ve been to… I find them. Or sometimes they find me. I remember I used to write my stuff on napkins, backs of brown paper lunch sacks, and in tiny little notebooks tucked into my purse or, on days when I felt especially inspired, I would even take a small notebook to work (even when I worked at the movie theater concession stand), in hopes of not missing the muse. I have journal upon journal filled with words… and that’s just it…. It’s not just words. It’s life. If I ever have the time, I would so love to take those words on those pages and type them and save them…. They don’t have to ever be published. I just want them organized and preserved. It is, after all, my life – in words.

And, along that note, I’ll say this entry is yet another attempt at staying true to a goal for returning to my self… writing. I feel it might be a slow start, but I must start somewhere.

Here I am - starting

Speak Life

Here is where I hope to begin a journey of sorts. I have been feeling so drawn toward paper, pen, story, revelation, education, and other elements of retrospect and reflection. I have spoken on and written on my desire to return to writing. But I’ve been afraid. And, I’m so tired of this fear. I hear in my head the words which shape much of my life “Do not conform” “Be not afraid” “Lean not unto thy own understanding” “Get out of your boxes” “Keep it simple” and more and more lately, the words of Tori Amos return to me, as though requesting an ear: “sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice and it’s been HERE... silent all these years.” Then there’s the others, shouting at me then staring, expecting a response. There’s Mos Def, Jill Scott, Dave Matthews, Lauryn Hill, Fred Hammond, Maya Angelou, Terri Mcmillan, Langston Hughes, Talib Kweli, hell- there’s even Michael Jackson, Zapp and Roger, my circle of friends from High school, my peeps from Showcase Cinemas, my band camp buddy, there’s the kids on the stage at North East singing with me our rendition of LL. Cool J, changing the title to “Round the Way Boy” and wondering why we were momentarily unafraid of our peculiarities…. There’s India Arie, and my good friend whose walls witnessed many poetry writings and readings, sometimes over a Hot-n-Now cheeseburger kids meal. There’s my mom. There’s my husband, too – wondering what happened to the woman he met… And then there’s me. I’m in here! I want to shout, or even whisper. But until now I’ve been somehow as I said, afraid. What will people think? Who might stumble upon my musings, and what will they say? They surely won’t understand… so I censor my self… and it sucks, and I hate it….

No more. I don’t think I can take it. I cannot keep being this version of me, no matter how fearful I still am of the process of re-opening eyes and heart, expelling life into these lungs once again. I need it.

So- I am buying some journals, starting this blog… and we shall see what comes of it. I’m so done with the quiet.