A Month for Me

Tomorrow is August 1st.  Many people with summers off from work (like me) begin to do some thinking around now.  Has my summer been productive?  Did I accomplish goals I wanted to?  Did I have fun?  Did I take time to relax?  We all treat vacation differently.

I am a teacher, and what I spend my summers on is usually making up for lost time.  I try to hang with the fam, spend as much quality time as I can with my daughter and my husband, without the feeling of being pressured by other stuff from work.  I love that about summer!  No big pressures.  I also try to mix in some time for me… time to replenish, energize, and plot out new directions. 

At this point, I have figured out where I want to go, and how to get there.  I have even taken some steps in that direction.  Now, some who have summers off know the blessing it can be.  You have precious time to work with, wherein you can breathe easy, slow your pace, see life more completely, and take time to do what you struggle to make happen during the work-year.   I can only speak for myself, but it seems like I actually take leave from myself during the school year, while I’m teaching.  I’ve been trying to work on that, but that’s a separate entry, altogether. 

My life is not the same and neither am I, when I’m working.  I love my family, I love my job, and I enjoy learning through my graduate courses, but there’s a missing ingredient, when the focus is all on others, and outside elements.  What about me?  I’m here for everyone else, except me… during the school year.  So, this summer, I’ve decided to take time to strengthen my relationship with my husband, my daughter, AND MYSELF.  Life has many works in progress.   One work in progress I sat on a shelf a few years ago was me.  I am certain that a happier, more full self will result in a happier, more well-balanced life.  I’ll be better at everything I do (including being a wife, mother, friend, and teacher) when I become a better me. 

So, all that being said, I am feeling a bit anxious today – July 31st.  Some know the strange feeling that approaches with August.  It’s like, okay, this time is not over, but it’s more ‘over’ than not.  Two months down, one to go.  It makes me feel the need to sink in deeply, making sure I’ve covered the bases.  Things change for me in the fall.  So, here’s the deal.  I will be fasting and praying all of August, to seek direction and guidance, as well as kicking several resolutions into high gear.  I’m just fasting from ice cream and fast food, but believe me, that will be enough to serve my purposes.  My purposes  are all linked to self-renewal, including value of self, commitment to health and fitness, increased self expression, and a few other things, which easily blend into those categories.  So, here we go… one month of me… to hopefully prepare myself to be better, more readily available and prepared to serve the purposes God has predestined me to fill at this point of my life.  Lord, may I emerge from this fast more fit – mind, body, spirit, and soul – and ready…

Thank you, Amen.

Excuses...

8.2.09

No. I am not
It might seem that I am
And these may sound like excuses
I’m somewhat aside from the telling
Stepping away –
A bit held from the say
The words I’d use to tell it

They might look in – or whatnot
Wonder and believe
What is not

They think they know
What they could not know
And I have not forgot

Alas—
Perhaps
It’s not me
Who knows – it could be – maybe
But what I believe
Is I did not leave
I am still
Right where I was
Yes…
Quite yes.
In more ways than I’m not

Perhaps the issue is not where either has gone
But that the whole premise was origined wrong
You know – had a wrong start
Misconceived
Generated
False beliefs
And so, you never knew
I’m still me – perhaps you’re still you
These excuses will have to do.

(written in answer to the question of change)

M. Knight