Here is where I hope to begin a journey of sorts. I have been feeling so drawn toward paper, pen, story, revelation, education, and other elements of retrospect and reflection. I have spoken on and written on my desire to return to writing. But I’ve been afraid. And, I’m so tired of this fear. I hear in my head the words which shape much of my life “Do not conform” “Be not afraid” “Lean not unto thy own understanding” “Get out of your boxes” “Keep it simple” and more and more lately, the words of Tori Amos return to me, as though requesting an ear: “sometimes, I said sometimes, I hear my voice and it’s been HERE... silent all these years.” Then there’s the others, shouting at me then staring, expecting a response. There’s Mos Def, Jill Scott, Dave Matthews, Lauryn Hill, Fred Hammond, Maya Angelou, Terri Mcmillan, Langston Hughes, Talib Kweli, hell- there’s even Michael Jackson, Zapp and Roger, my circle of friends from High school, my peeps from Showcase Cinemas, my band camp buddy, there’s the kids on the stage at North East singing with me our rendition of LL. Cool J, changing the title to “Round the Way Boy” and wondering why we were momentarily unafraid of our peculiarities…. There’s India Arie, and my good friend whose walls witnessed many poetry writings and readings, sometimes over a Hot-n-Now cheeseburger kids meal. There’s my mom. There’s my husband, too – wondering what happened to the woman he met… And then there’s me. I’m in here! I want to shout, or even whisper. But until now I’ve been somehow as I said, afraid. What will people think? Who might stumble upon my musings, and what will they say? They surely won’t understand… so I censor my self… and it sucks, and I hate it….
No more. I don’t think I can take it. I cannot keep being this version of me, no matter how fearful I still am of the process of re-opening eyes and heart, expelling life into these lungs once again. I need it.
So- I am buying some journals, starting this blog… and we shall see what comes of it. I’m so done with the quiet.
WoW, you sure do have a lot of wisdom and insight. Also, you have an outstanding knowledge of music and its meaning.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you feel people are so fearful and threatened? I await your response :)
You know, that's a great question. I think it's partly all in my head. I do not like judgment... feeling like I'm under a microscope and being examined, graded, and written off as some oddity. I spent many years a long time ago (we all know the necessary evils of adolescence) wishing folks would just accept me as who I was. I finally decided to just be. To stop worrying so much about what others thought. It matters so much more what I think and feel. This is me, you know? I guess that sometimes I just still wish that folks could put away scrutiny, and just be pleased to meet and know someone who doesn't fit the standard. Beyond that, I really wish more people would proudly admit that they themselves do not fit the standard... and be cool with that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why we're so afraid. Maybe we just all want to be loved and we're so afraid that our real selves are somehow unlovable.... maybe.
I find it funny that you mentioned the person that does not meet the standard, dont you know such persons that do not accept the standard person? Persons that do not Speak Life towards them because of whom they are and what they stand for? Just because this person has their own mind and ideas about life, and not following the same ole worn out path as they did and want all to follow?
ReplyDeleteWhats up with that, how do you feel about this, as a Person with a Family that Speaks Life?
Interesting. It seems I'm reading in your message that you may have misread my words. It seems to me that we actually are in agreement.
ReplyDeleteMy response above (to which you responded) is all about the conundrum we find ourselves in as we attempt to be happy enough with ourselves to also be comfortable with who we are, no matter what others think. That's all I was trying to say. Some people are going to injur us with their words and actions, either intentionally or by mistake. What I was trying to express was just my hope that we can all try to be strong enough and love ourselves enough... so much so that the words and actions of others do not have so much power.
I cannot explain other people's actions - why they do what they do and think how they think. I try to see the best in people and believe that they mean the best. I myself have made mistakes and hurt people without meaning to do so. Sometimes I realize how much growing I still have/need to do.
Speaking Life is not an absolute. It is an answer to the opposite n otion of Speaking Death. I try as much as I can to be positive to myself and others, and to speak good things into my life and the lives of others. I do make mistakes and say or do things I regret... but I'm growing and learning everyday. I do not proclaim myself to be the flawless spokesperson for Speaking Life.
As I mentioned in another post (Practicing What We Preach), I sometimes wonder why I don't always do what I know I should... This is life. We do our best, we live and learn. That's all I'm trying to do.
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